Unschooling in the Teen Years

I'm a 30-something guy that was unschooled in his teens. What does it mean to be unschooled? It means I was home-schooled, minus the curriculum or structured schooling times when at home. Instead, I did what I wanted to do and my mother trusted me to learn everything I needed to learn, and did what she could to assist me in whatever venture I found interest in. There are many concerns people have about unschooling, but so far my life has not encountered the hardships people assume unschooling might lead to later on in life. I might make a post going into my experiences another time tho. For now, this post is in response to a question I received from a friend of mine, mother of a teen girl.

~ The Question ~

She asked, "My 13 yo daughter loves the 'home' part of homeschool, but she seriously hates the 'school' part. I'm afraid she's been hand-fed 'learning' for so long that if we did quit school, she doesn't even know what her passion is or what to be interested in.

How does one begin unschooling without feeling like a school drop-out?"

~ Some Foundational Concepts ~

In my opinion, there are a few very important things to understand when unschooling.

First and foremost is communication. Unschooling requires a great deal of communication between family members. Specifically, open, honest, and frequent communication. This one thing makes a huge difference in any relationship; and during the teen years it's definitely needed in all directions.

Second is the hand-in-hand duo of trust and respect. I count these as one topic because you simply cannot truly have one without the other. The most important thing to know about trust and respect is there is only one way to get it: You must be consistent in giving it.

Many times when someone acts out it is because they are being expected to give trust and respect because someone demands it, but that someone isn't willing to truly give it in return. For me, this remains true even today.

Third is to lead by example. This one is fairly straight forward. Just be the model of whatever behaviors you would like your daughter to adopt.

Fourth is that everything happens in it's own time. Things will happen when they need to happen, if allowed. The more you try to force something, the more resistant it will become until something reaches a breaking point. This holds true for bending down a tree branch, trying to loosen a stuck bolt, or attempting to coerce someone to do something they don't want to do. What happens when the breaking point is reached depends on what, or who, breaks.

~ How to Make the Most of Communication ~

The best way to make the most of your communication is to always assume you are talking to an equal. It doesn't even matter if the person is your boss at work. Your boss is still just a person with a specific job that has it's specific tasks. Likewise, it doesn't matter if it's a 5 year old neighbor kid, or the teenager with the goth makeup and piercings that works at the fast food place, or the pope, or the president of the US, or the Mormon at your door, or your favorite celebrity, or your spouse, or your parents, or your own children; they are all equals with you.

The idea that all are equal is not an idea that is shared by the masses, but it is essential when it comes to communication. Too often communication breaks down because of some perceived status difference. Everyone has different experiences; thus, everyone has something they can share and teach, as well as having plenty they can learn.

So when you talk to your daughter, tell her the things that concern you. Include her in the process of figuring out what needs to happen and how to make those things happen.

Here's an example from my personal experience:
When I was in 7th grade, I told my mom I was tired of school and wanted out. School was boring to me and I wasn't learning anything. So she explained to me that there are laws about kids going to school. She wasn't sure how soon I could be free of school completely, but she told me what she did know and we worked together to learn the rest and figure out how I was going to get out as quickly as possible.

When home-schooling, there's usually some sort of yearly test or evaluation that is required by law to "ensure your children are being educated" (I have many negative thoughts about this, but those are for a different blog). Let your child know what the law is and ask them to help figure out how to satisfy the requirements. Let her know what happens if the requirement for the law is not met - the courts will step in and force her to go to a regular school.
[Tip: Don't remind her about this part. Once you say it and she understands it, that's all that's needed. You can remind her when the test or evaluation date is coming but don't turn natural consequences into some kind of tool for passive aggressive threats, or else you risk undermining trust and respect between you.]

The next way to ensure good communication is to allow it to go both ways. Notice I used the word "allow". Some parents talk about how their kids wont talk to them or refuse to talk to them. This is a direct result of not allowing them to talk by virtue of not listening to them. If you form a habit of not listening, then it should not surprise you if your child stops speaking to you. Who likes to waste words talking to a wall?

Finally, to enhance communication beyond anything you can imagine, practice keeping your mouth closed and your ears open. Listening is a very powerful communication skill when developed; and like all skills, it must be practiced to strengthen it. So start off by talking to your child about your decision to practice listening. Ask for her help; and be honest about your intent to practice. Then allow them to communicate with you... as an equal.

~ How to Build Trust and Respect ~

As I mentioned above, there's really only one way to build trust and respect; that's to give it. However, this isn't always easy to do. In my experience, there are three different kinds of trust:

First, there's the trust that a baby has for it's caregiver. Right now, my wife and I are rescuing a baby sparrow we found in the front yard. According to our research, it had zero chance of survival if we left it there, or tried to put it back in the nest. To raise it's chances, we took it in and assumed the caregiver role. Within two days the trust between us and the bird had grown to the point that the bird recognized us and was eager to see us when we approached.

The same holds true for human babies. They trust their caregiver to the point of eagerness. This eagerness continues as they grow and want to help with whatever mommy is doing. This kind of trust stems from necessity; young life depends on the strength of this trust.

Sometimes there comes a point where this seems to taper off; but I'll talk a bit more below about why this might happen.

Second, there's the trust we have in friends, non-caregiver family members, and peers of all sorts. These are the interpersonal relationships where we develop trust. This trust is earned.

Finally, there's the trust we have in business. When we make a deal with someone, we trust that agreement. We accept money and trust it is not counterfeit, we accept services and trust in the quality, we accept goods and trust in the value for their purchase. This trust is expected by default.

Most have experienced some kind of betrayal of trust. When a betrayal happens, it becomes a bit more difficult to trust again. Depending on the betrayal, the trust may or may not be reparable.

My young life was full of various betrayals (mostly by my adoptive father and peers). By the time I had reached my early teens I had endured enough betrayals that I found it difficult to trust others, with the exception of my mother. After wrestling with whether or not there was a need for trust, and learning what skepticism and critical thinking were, I adopted a method from the business type of expected trust and applied it to earned trust.

The metaphor for it goes like this:

• When I first meet someone, I give them a trinket amount of my trust, then watch what they do with it.

• If they toss it away, or stomp on it, or treat it as tho it was their due, they get no more. This results in them receiving no trust (or respect) from me.

• If instead, they hold it tight and tuck it away to keep it safe and guarded, then they shall be guardians of a trinket of my trust and respect. While not altogether a bad thing, this does not promote growth.

• However, if they add a bit of trust, respect, and appreciation to the trinket and hand it back to me. Then I will do the same, and the trust between us can grow.

Trust shared with a caregiver is the most highly valued; and because of that, it can withstand some betrayals if they aren't major. This is good as it means that when it comes to parents and their children, the trust stands a good chance of being rebuilt. Unfortunately, earned trust is a bit more fragile. The more earned trust is built up, the better it's resistance to minor betrayals; but a major betrayal (or repeated small betrayals) will erode that trust and the respect that comes with it. A betrayal of expected business trust is almost always permanent.

So to build trust, start by giving a trinket of trust along with respect. It can be hard at first, but where would you be if you didn't have the capacity to trust? It is important to do your best to remain consistent about your trust, and when you don't, be open and honest about that and the reasons why.

~ Learning to Relax ~

I'm not sure who came up with the guidelines that everyone is to know a particular thing by a particular time, but they really should be gifted with a rotting fish; because that entire idea reeks and is ready for composting.

The idea that everything will happen during it's own time (if it is needed at all) is one that throws many people for a loop. This is very easy to prove though. K-12 school taught most of us adults (living in the US anyway) that Pluto was a planet, and the 4th of July celebration was all about independence and freedom. Of course it never taught anyone I know how to write a check, or negotiate terms when buying real estate, or even how to be a decent sales person.

However, Pluto's status is now changed, we're not free to buy any of the good fireworks in many states, and the majority adults have somehow learned how to write checks and make a living as sales persons. When would they have learned these things? When they needed to know them of course. So why is this a loop-inducing concept for so many? Because they also weren't taught how to think critically.

Everything that needs to be learned will be learned at just the right time. Looking around in nature the same pattern is seen over and over again. It's true in the animal kingdom, and the plant kingdom, and the mushroom kingdom (fungi aren't plants by the way), and so on. So it's okay to give yourself permission to relax and trust that everything that needs to be learned will be, when it is most appropriate.

~ Passions ~

Schools do not allow children to discover or pursue passions unless that passion is to become a teacher in a public school. The truth of this is seen in the high amount of directionless college students that have no idea what they want to do once they have finished.

Finding passions is a process of trial and discovery. Unschooling allows the freedom to pursue anything and everything a child might have interest in. As the facilitator of your daughter's learning, it is your task to know what interests she has (this is where that listening skill, and a healthy bond of mutual trust and respect really comes in handy) and to help her pursue them the best you can.

Don't be surprised if she discovers many different passions, or even lets some go after pursuing them for a time. If the interest fades away, that is an indication that learning from that particular outlet has stopped (at least for the moment).

~ In Closing ~

"How does one begin unschooling without feeling like a school drop-out?"

Discard the idea that being a school drop-out is a bad thing. I celebrated being a drop-out; then again some time later by going to college and pursuing degrees in things I was actually interested in learning - just because I could. I wouldn't have had the drive to go 16 terms straight (4 per year) and maintain above a 4.0 GPA if I hadn't first been unschooled and allowed to find things to be passionate about. Being a drop-out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I gained the self-confidence to trust myself and find inner motivation.

I don't believe it's ever too late to begin unschooling. Unschooling is more than just not having a secular curriculum. It's a mindset that can be learned and adopted at any age (kids come naturally into it). While it may be more difficult the older you get, the freedoms you once knew you were supposed to have can still be yours. The past can't be changed, but that doesn't mean your future has to be more of the same.

As your daughter discovers herself while unschooling, mentally and emotionally allow the same for yourself. Take the journey together.

[I claim no credit for the photos used]

The Power of Choice

When I was younger, I came upon a truth that had two aspects. I designed a coin to express this truth, each side bearing a statement that represented one of the two aspects. The coin is about taking responsibility for your choices; and allowing others to be responsible for theirs.

One side of this coin had the words, “You cannot MAKE anyone do anything.”

The other side had the words, “No-one can MAKE you do anything.”

Only you can be responsible for the choices you make. The only exception to this is a parents choices until a child is of age to make their own.

Some have argued that a person can be coerced or forced. While there are many situations where that seems to be the case, this truth is about the choices people make. Others say there are choices that effect their lives which are not choices they made. I would say that in such cases, they have made a default choice; allowing someone else to make choices for them - which is also a choice. -Opting not to make a choice is a choice in itself.-

~ What Is Responsibility? ~

The way to exercise control of your life and express your personal power and freedom is to take responsibility for your choices. Occasionally I feel it is a burden to be responsible, and seek to hand that off to someone else in order to “let go” and “have fun”… Then I remember that is the lure of those who want me to allow them the power of making choices for me. I can have fun and be spontaneous while still taking responsibility for my choices.

There’s another way to phrase “taking responsibility” that is generally viewed more positively; that is “taking credit”. When we create something and share it with others, we happily take credit for the accomplishment. That accomplishment happened as a result of a choice.

It would appear that taking responsibility for a choice and taking credit for a choice are two aspects of the same thing. One cast in a desirable light, and the other as a burden; and this seems to be the difference between the terms.

~ Owning Choices ~

By definition, we want desirable outcomes for our choices. Why else would we make the choices we do? It’s well known throughout most cultures that growth and wisdom come as a result of learning from mistakes. When we shy away from our mistakes and fail to learn from them, we are destined to repeat them.

Personally, I find it empowering to own my choices. My choices are always made in the most desirable way I know how to make them. If they turn out to be a mistake, then I find power in learning why I didn’t get the desired outcome. This curiosity to learn from mistakes enables me to make ever better choices as I continue thru life.

~ In Conclusion ~

I choose to own my choices, and take both the credit and responsibility for them. In doing so, I continue to grow and learn and become a more excellent version of who I am. My choices become my lessons; both accomplishment and mistake. If I get desirable results, then I know what to do next time, and if I don’t, then I know what not to do.

At the same time, I don’t seek to make choices for others. To do so robs them of the chance for them to grow and learn. I made the choice to help others become more excellent versions of themselves; I do that by sharing with them, not making choices for them. Own your choices by taking responsibility for them, and allow others to be responsible for theirs.

There is power in owning your choices. Claim it, own it, the choice is yours after all!

Questions, comments and discussion are all welcome at the Fellowship of Excellence G+ community. Looking forward to your thoughts!

Super-Learning: A Method to Getting Out of Your Way

When it comes to modalities (Visual, Audio, Kinesthetic, etc), I never considered myself to be much of an audible person. However, I know (intellectually) that I use all my senses to gather information, including my ears. Hearing may not be my strongest modality, but I still depend on it regularly throughout each day. It’s my guess, this situation is not limited to just me. This article was written as a result of a brief conversation with Andrea Sumers.

~ What is Super-Learning? ~

Super-Learning is a method that accelerates the learning process using the audible modality. In the field of hypnosis, there are a series of steps for any session.

1> Focus the attention of the client (also known as “induction”).

2> Distract the conscious mind (also known as “by-passing the critical factor”).

3> Use a "deepener" strategy to “lock” the conscious mind out of the way.

4> Input suggestions for change (this is where the learning program or lecture fits in).

5> Re-orient the client, allowing the conscious mind to return to normal awareness.

[Note: I use the term “client” to mean “the person being hypnotized”, even for self-hypnosis.]

There are many ways to accomplish all of these steps, and many programs to teach them. When using light hypnosis as a tool for accelerated learning, that is Super-Learning.

~ The Learning Problem ~

When I apply Super-Learning to study courses, the information is allowed directly into my subconscious mind without the hassle of my conscious mind getting in the way. In fact, the conscious mind can only handle 7 bits of information (+/- about 2 bits) at any one point in time. This is one reason we feel overwhelmed or get confused if we have many different facts tossed at us at one time, and we’re expected to remember them all.

Brute force memorization is probably the worst form of learning there is. There is certainly a time and place for it (as there is for everything), but it falls short as the “go to” default since it involves more work than is needed for most learning. This is where repetition comes in.

Repetition is well documented and accepted as the power behind really learning something. While this is true to a certain degree, it is most often misapplied as the reason for brute force memorization thru repetition. This method of learning (more often than not) results in frustration, and general feelings if inadequacy. So why are we all taught this is the way to learn?

~ Getting Out of Your Own Way ~

If you need to take something away from a toddler there are some things you can expect. If you just take it away, you can expect anything from fussy disappointment to full blown tantrum. Mothers learn quickly there is a power in distraction and substitution. If you need to take something away from a toddler without the fuss, you better be in the process of handing that toddler something else to be interested in.

This same concept is what happens with our conscious. Our conscious mind wants to be in the middle of everything we do; even if it slows everything to a crawl. When our conscious mind wants to be in control, it tries to handle everything that comes in and analyze it all. We are taught to memorize stuff, and so we try to do so. This is especially true of things we feel is important to learn.

When you want to learn something, it is easiest to do when your conscious mind is not getting in the way. The goal then is to find a means to busy your conscious mind and get it out of your way. There are many ways to do this, but they all involve some form of Super-Learning as described above. I’ll give a few examples of these methods.

~ Doodling, Jogging, & Soundscape Mapping ~

Doodling has been around for a very long time, and most of us have doodled something at some point in time. Most of the time, doodling is done while listening to a lecture, such as in a classroom or during a board meeting. Why? Because when we doodle, we are distracting the conscious mind from what is going on, and allowing the subconscious to absorb the information audibly.

The same thing happens when you play a game like solitaire or perform a repetitive activity such as jogging. Jogging tends to work better for people who are more kinesthetic, whereas doodling seems easiest for more visual people. For those who are already audible, Soundscape mapping seems to work well.

Soundscape mapping is a method of closing the eyes and focusing on subtle sounds in the area, focusing awareness beyond the sound of the lecture. The point is to divert the analytical conscious mind to something else, and therefore allow the subconscious to have full access to the lecture.

~ Finding Balance ~

There is a catch to using these types of distraction methods though. If the distraction uses too much of your cognitive skills, then your subconscious mind becomes focused on the distraction and away from the lecture. If the distraction uses too little of your cognitive skills, then your conscious mind becomes bored, and can actually hinder your learning efforts as it begins to mentally fidget.

Finding your personal balance is an essential and very deliberate thing to do. The better you get at finding and then maintaining your personal balance, the more supercharged your learning becomes.

~ Intention Directs the Capacity of Super-Learning ~

The best way to find your personal balance and maintain it is to direct your intention. This is the underlying psychology behind why methods of intentional doodling (like Zendoodling) work as well as they do.

Intentionally doodling with the purpose to distract the conscious mind and allow yourself to slip into a light hypnotic trance performs the task of distracting your conscious mind, while naturally being flexible enough to easily find and maintain an optimum balance for Super-Learning.

~ In Practice ~

In the late 1970’s, an experiment was done at a private K-12 school in California (which will remain unnamed for now as I do not have their permission to mention them). As a child, I was attending that school during the time when this experiment of intentional doodling was being taught as a learning tool. As the instructor would lecture on a topic, the students were to doodle while listening.

The students had to be able to answer questions if asked, and were to ask questions if they had them (which they did). This requirement seemed to turn random doodling into intentional doodling. The result of the experiment was an amazing increase of retention, ease of learning, and higher testing scores across the board.

I have heard of many other experiments done along these same lines. In fact, during the tutor training course I took, the other students and I (all adults) were told to play with wooden blocks while listening to the lectures to increase our learning; this is another example of the same Super-Learning principle.

Unfortunately, this research doesn’t seem to have reached public schools yet. I personally know it’s been around for decades as an amazing, proven, time-tested learning tool. So why isn’t it more widely taught, and used? Why torture students with the old brute-force memorization method of learning for everything?

~ In Closing ~

The easy way to do this yourself is to get some paper (or use the borders of your note-taking paper), and a pen or pencil (I prefer pencil since shading becomes part of my intentional doodling fun), and doodle with simple shapes; lines, squiggles, circles, curves, and angles. These are the basic palette to use.

The object is not to draw something specific. The object is to doodle something abstract and detailed. A few small circles bunched together, connecting to a squiggly line that is then traced in parallel a few times, and so on. The intentional doodle should focus more on small details than on any big picture.

Here is the important part for true Super-Learning: While creating your super-detailed doodling, have your lecture or audio training program (which is what I prefer) playing and pay just enough attention to make sure you can answer questions about what is going on if someone were to ask you.

I said I prefer audio training programs. The reason is because I can listen to the same one multiple times. Using the Super-Learning method of intentional doodling while listening to an audio program I have listened to before increases the power of learning by adding repetition. Generally, I give myself some time between repeats for my subconscious to digest what it has learned (which is much less time than trying memorize by brute-force).

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Thanks for reading this article. Comments, questions, discussion, and stories concerning this article (or any of the articles from this blog) are all welcome at the G+ community, Fellowship of Excellence.

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Spirituality - A pillar of civilized society

The subject of spirituality has more to do with the vitality of the miracle we call “life” than it does about whether or not there is a God. Some believe that all of creation is a result of some random happy happenstance. Some believe in a personal God with whom to communicate thru prayers. Some believe there is an intelligence responsible for creation, but that this intelligence is not embodied in a single entity, but is instead part of everything that is. Some believe things I can’t imagine without further study.

Unfortunately, too many get hung up on questions that I find distracting from the subject of spirituality; such as:

          “Does God exist?”

          “If not, how can so many wondrous mysteries be explained?”

          “If so, what is God’s name, and what does God want from us?”

          “Is God a male, or female, or both, or neither?”

          “What’s God’s favorite hair and clothing styles?”

These questions are fine for those who enjoy talking about such things. However they have little to do with spirituality itself.

~ What Is Spirituality? ~

Our spirit is the life force within. It may be consciousness, it may be emotional, it may be something else entirely, or a combination of these things. However, what we know is that we currently have life, and thus, we have spirit (if you are not currently living as you read this, then let me know, and I will make efforts to redefine this part). We also know we have intrinsic motivations that can not solely be attributed to physical desires. When we satisfy our spiritual desires, we have a positive emotional response.

The desire to understand why we feel awe and wonder, during those times when we do, is the desire to develop a spiritual understanding. When we become fascinated with a puzzle or mystery and feel compelled to figure it out, that is an expression of the intrinsic motivation of our spirit.

~ The Problem ~

When people seek to understand the connection they feel for something greater than themselves (the awe and wonder of looking at the stars on a clear moonless night for instance), they turn to those who claim to have some answers. Almost all turn to fellow humans for answers. Some organizations such as scientific institutes or organized religions of the world claim to have answers.

However, none of these organizations have all the answers. In fact, that tends to be one thing they all agree on. Science is continually searching to understand more and more of our universe, how it works, and what it all could mean; never once claiming to have all the answers. At the same time, religions generally have some point at which there are mysteries that are divine, and unknowable to us.

This becomes a problem when doctrine starts getting in the way of our pursuit of understanding. As a whole, we agree that we are alive; but we disagree on how and why we are alive. Inadvertently, we have pigeonholed spirituality into boxes of religion or science (which claims not to have anything to do with spirituality, but really science just uses different words for the same thing - the magic of life).

~ Freedom From Religion, Not Freedom Of Religion ~

When it comes to religion, I can think of no other social system that does more to promote segregation. “Divide and conquer” is a well-known term attributed to Philip II, king of Macedon in the 3^rd century BC, and is a strategy used to break up large groups to be more manageable.

Many religions believe in the need for salvation; be it from hell, or oblivion, etc. This belief is then followed with rules that must be followed in order to be granted salvation. The segregating belief follows the logical course to conclude that those who do not follow the rules of salvation as they understand them are (at best) lost, or (at worst) knowingly evil.

The concept, “Freedom from religion, not freedom of religion” is one which I will write an article for itself. For now I will just say that segregation does not lead to an open and honest flow of communication and ideas between people; likewise, it does not lead to a higher understanding of spirituality.

~ A Real Discussion Of Spirituality ~

The ability to discuss spirituality, consciousness, emotions, and life as something we are continuously learning about and growing with is foundational to a civilized society. It is the purpose of this post to spark real discussions about spirituality, and set aside the distractions of whether or not God exists as an entity.

Personally, I believe that intelligent life exists within me and around me; and because I can feel awe and wonder, then I am part of a larger system of life. That larger system includes you, and everything else in the whole of creation. I believe the sum of all intelligence, in every way that intelligence is expressed, is greater than my intelligence alone. Therefore, I believe in a greater intelligence, though I do not feel a need to argue about defining it.

I hope this provides a new way to discuss spirituality as understandings we can grow in and share with each other. Sharing with each other in this way is everything segregation is not.

Comments, questions, ideas and discussions of everything mentioned here and more, is welcome and encouraged. Please feel free to join the discussion at the G+ community, Fellowship of Excellence. 

Thanks for reading!