Unschooling in the Teen Years

I'm a 30-something guy that was unschooled in his teens. What does it mean to be unschooled? It means I was home-schooled, minus the curriculum or structured schooling times when at home. Instead, I did what I wanted to do and my mother trusted me to learn everything I needed to learn, and did what she could to assist me in whatever venture I found interest in. There are many concerns people have about unschooling, but so far my life has not encountered the hardships people assume unschooling might lead to later on in life. I might make a post going into my experiences another time tho. For now, this post is in response to a question I received from a friend of mine, mother of a teen girl.

~ The Question ~

She asked, "My 13 yo daughter loves the 'home' part of homeschool, but she seriously hates the 'school' part. I'm afraid she's been hand-fed 'learning' for so long that if we did quit school, she doesn't even know what her passion is or what to be interested in.

How does one begin unschooling without feeling like a school drop-out?"

~ Some Foundational Concepts ~

In my opinion, there are a few very important things to understand when unschooling.

First and foremost is communication. Unschooling requires a great deal of communication between family members. Specifically, open, honest, and frequent communication. This one thing makes a huge difference in any relationship; and during the teen years it's definitely needed in all directions.

Second is the hand-in-hand duo of trust and respect. I count these as one topic because you simply cannot truly have one without the other. The most important thing to know about trust and respect is there is only one way to get it: You must be consistent in giving it.

Many times when someone acts out it is because they are being expected to give trust and respect because someone demands it, but that someone isn't willing to truly give it in return. For me, this remains true even today.

Third is to lead by example. This one is fairly straight forward. Just be the model of whatever behaviors you would like your daughter to adopt.

Fourth is that everything happens in it's own time. Things will happen when they need to happen, if allowed. The more you try to force something, the more resistant it will become until something reaches a breaking point. This holds true for bending down a tree branch, trying to loosen a stuck bolt, or attempting to coerce someone to do something they don't want to do. What happens when the breaking point is reached depends on what, or who, breaks.

~ How to Make the Most of Communication ~

The best way to make the most of your communication is to always assume you are talking to an equal. It doesn't even matter if the person is your boss at work. Your boss is still just a person with a specific job that has it's specific tasks. Likewise, it doesn't matter if it's a 5 year old neighbor kid, or the teenager with the goth makeup and piercings that works at the fast food place, or the pope, or the president of the US, or the Mormon at your door, or your favorite celebrity, or your spouse, or your parents, or your own children; they are all equals with you.

The idea that all are equal is not an idea that is shared by the masses, but it is essential when it comes to communication. Too often communication breaks down because of some perceived status difference. Everyone has different experiences; thus, everyone has something they can share and teach, as well as having plenty they can learn.

So when you talk to your daughter, tell her the things that concern you. Include her in the process of figuring out what needs to happen and how to make those things happen.

Here's an example from my personal experience:
When I was in 7th grade, I told my mom I was tired of school and wanted out. School was boring to me and I wasn't learning anything. So she explained to me that there are laws about kids going to school. She wasn't sure how soon I could be free of school completely, but she told me what she did know and we worked together to learn the rest and figure out how I was going to get out as quickly as possible.

When home-schooling, there's usually some sort of yearly test or evaluation that is required by law to "ensure your children are being educated" (I have many negative thoughts about this, but those are for a different blog). Let your child know what the law is and ask them to help figure out how to satisfy the requirements. Let her know what happens if the requirement for the law is not met - the courts will step in and force her to go to a regular school.
[Tip: Don't remind her about this part. Once you say it and she understands it, that's all that's needed. You can remind her when the test or evaluation date is coming but don't turn natural consequences into some kind of tool for passive aggressive threats, or else you risk undermining trust and respect between you.]

The next way to ensure good communication is to allow it to go both ways. Notice I used the word "allow". Some parents talk about how their kids wont talk to them or refuse to talk to them. This is a direct result of not allowing them to talk by virtue of not listening to them. If you form a habit of not listening, then it should not surprise you if your child stops speaking to you. Who likes to waste words talking to a wall?

Finally, to enhance communication beyond anything you can imagine, practice keeping your mouth closed and your ears open. Listening is a very powerful communication skill when developed; and like all skills, it must be practiced to strengthen it. So start off by talking to your child about your decision to practice listening. Ask for her help; and be honest about your intent to practice. Then allow them to communicate with you... as an equal.

~ How to Build Trust and Respect ~

As I mentioned above, there's really only one way to build trust and respect; that's to give it. However, this isn't always easy to do. In my experience, there are three different kinds of trust:

First, there's the trust that a baby has for it's caregiver. Right now, my wife and I are rescuing a baby sparrow we found in the front yard. According to our research, it had zero chance of survival if we left it there, or tried to put it back in the nest. To raise it's chances, we took it in and assumed the caregiver role. Within two days the trust between us and the bird had grown to the point that the bird recognized us and was eager to see us when we approached.

The same holds true for human babies. They trust their caregiver to the point of eagerness. This eagerness continues as they grow and want to help with whatever mommy is doing. This kind of trust stems from necessity; young life depends on the strength of this trust.

Sometimes there comes a point where this seems to taper off; but I'll talk a bit more below about why this might happen.

Second, there's the trust we have in friends, non-caregiver family members, and peers of all sorts. These are the interpersonal relationships where we develop trust. This trust is earned.

Finally, there's the trust we have in business. When we make a deal with someone, we trust that agreement. We accept money and trust it is not counterfeit, we accept services and trust in the quality, we accept goods and trust in the value for their purchase. This trust is expected by default.

Most have experienced some kind of betrayal of trust. When a betrayal happens, it becomes a bit more difficult to trust again. Depending on the betrayal, the trust may or may not be reparable.

My young life was full of various betrayals (mostly by my adoptive father and peers). By the time I had reached my early teens I had endured enough betrayals that I found it difficult to trust others, with the exception of my mother. After wrestling with whether or not there was a need for trust, and learning what skepticism and critical thinking were, I adopted a method from the business type of expected trust and applied it to earned trust.

The metaphor for it goes like this:

• When I first meet someone, I give them a trinket amount of my trust, then watch what they do with it.

• If they toss it away, or stomp on it, or treat it as tho it was their due, they get no more. This results in them receiving no trust (or respect) from me.

• If instead, they hold it tight and tuck it away to keep it safe and guarded, then they shall be guardians of a trinket of my trust and respect. While not altogether a bad thing, this does not promote growth.

• However, if they add a bit of trust, respect, and appreciation to the trinket and hand it back to me. Then I will do the same, and the trust between us can grow.

Trust shared with a caregiver is the most highly valued; and because of that, it can withstand some betrayals if they aren't major. This is good as it means that when it comes to parents and their children, the trust stands a good chance of being rebuilt. Unfortunately, earned trust is a bit more fragile. The more earned trust is built up, the better it's resistance to minor betrayals; but a major betrayal (or repeated small betrayals) will erode that trust and the respect that comes with it. A betrayal of expected business trust is almost always permanent.

So to build trust, start by giving a trinket of trust along with respect. It can be hard at first, but where would you be if you didn't have the capacity to trust? It is important to do your best to remain consistent about your trust, and when you don't, be open and honest about that and the reasons why.

~ Learning to Relax ~

I'm not sure who came up with the guidelines that everyone is to know a particular thing by a particular time, but they really should be gifted with a rotting fish; because that entire idea reeks and is ready for composting.

The idea that everything will happen during it's own time (if it is needed at all) is one that throws many people for a loop. This is very easy to prove though. K-12 school taught most of us adults (living in the US anyway) that Pluto was a planet, and the 4th of July celebration was all about independence and freedom. Of course it never taught anyone I know how to write a check, or negotiate terms when buying real estate, or even how to be a decent sales person.

However, Pluto's status is now changed, we're not free to buy any of the good fireworks in many states, and the majority adults have somehow learned how to write checks and make a living as sales persons. When would they have learned these things? When they needed to know them of course. So why is this a loop-inducing concept for so many? Because they also weren't taught how to think critically.

Everything that needs to be learned will be learned at just the right time. Looking around in nature the same pattern is seen over and over again. It's true in the animal kingdom, and the plant kingdom, and the mushroom kingdom (fungi aren't plants by the way), and so on. So it's okay to give yourself permission to relax and trust that everything that needs to be learned will be, when it is most appropriate.

~ Passions ~

Schools do not allow children to discover or pursue passions unless that passion is to become a teacher in a public school. The truth of this is seen in the high amount of directionless college students that have no idea what they want to do once they have finished.

Finding passions is a process of trial and discovery. Unschooling allows the freedom to pursue anything and everything a child might have interest in. As the facilitator of your daughter's learning, it is your task to know what interests she has (this is where that listening skill, and a healthy bond of mutual trust and respect really comes in handy) and to help her pursue them the best you can.

Don't be surprised if she discovers many different passions, or even lets some go after pursuing them for a time. If the interest fades away, that is an indication that learning from that particular outlet has stopped (at least for the moment).

~ In Closing ~

"How does one begin unschooling without feeling like a school drop-out?"

Discard the idea that being a school drop-out is a bad thing. I celebrated being a drop-out; then again some time later by going to college and pursuing degrees in things I was actually interested in learning - just because I could. I wouldn't have had the drive to go 16 terms straight (4 per year) and maintain above a 4.0 GPA if I hadn't first been unschooled and allowed to find things to be passionate about. Being a drop-out was the best thing that ever happened to me. I gained the self-confidence to trust myself and find inner motivation.

I don't believe it's ever too late to begin unschooling. Unschooling is more than just not having a secular curriculum. It's a mindset that can be learned and adopted at any age (kids come naturally into it). While it may be more difficult the older you get, the freedoms you once knew you were supposed to have can still be yours. The past can't be changed, but that doesn't mean your future has to be more of the same.

As your daughter discovers herself while unschooling, mentally and emotionally allow the same for yourself. Take the journey together.

[I claim no credit for the photos used]